The Long Night

For me, only one thing happened - the long night was a significant episode for all of us. It brought forth a change - a consciousness different for each of us.

The Long Day

For some reasons, I was so tired last Monday I couldn't study. But if I try to study the morning after, I'll end up curling in bed instead. So I needed to go to school really early last Tuesday because I failed to study for an uber long test.

So when I got to school, I began flipping on my notes. I was "like" studying for three hours. See, I have a friend who promised to help me study but ended up chatting with me. Or...I chatted with him? Whatever, we chatted. But "like" studying for three hours was helpful, the test went well.

After the test, we strolled around the campus until we decided to go to Gateway to meet another friend. Fine, I'll start naming friends now. A lot of friends are involved in this post. Effie was down that day so we, Tolits and I, decided to go to Gateway to meet her after her last class. We ended up eating pizza and strolling until we got bored while waiting for Effie's text message. Because we got bored, we decided to hop to Glorietta. While strolling around, Effie's message came telling this and that. Since its QC Day the next day (last Wednesday), I said yes.

After some tantrums were thrown, I decided to go home first and pack stuff. I left home around 5:30pm and made it into Ayala MRT Station around 6pm. The queues were so long I thought I'd spend two hours before getting in the train. The queue went around the station, around the stalls, making long loops. So I went to the far end of the queue with my heavy bag. It was a good thing that I didn't find any problem getting into a train.

I was dropped in Cubao and there I got in another train. This is the only route to Katipunan I know, forgive me. I think I looked so wasted. With all the queues, and the heat, and the heavy bag, who wouldn't be? Going back, I didn't know how to get to McDo (Katipunan) aside from walking. So there, I dragged my wasted body and my heavy bag until I saw Rabbi. And there was Effie with Miguel, Monique, Tatum, Eunice, and Tolits. And there were hugs and laughter and bliss. Riel and Bianca came shortly after. And there were funny stories, sad stories, amazing stories, heartbreaking stories and many more stories that made me miss my high school friends even more.

The long day ends here. Imagine my trip from Ayala to Diliman then to Cubao, then back to Ayala, then in Cubao again and finally to Katipunan. Actually, the "Ayala-Katipunan trip" was during the early night. But the long night was a different story, a very different story. I'm not sure of posting it yet.

Of Ghosts and of Fear

There was a night last week when I couldn't sleep. I had to lie down for hours before I finally drift off. For a reason I did not know, I woke after a few hours. I glanced at the time and noticed that it was only 1am. I can't wait for sunrise that long; I had to sleep. I must find a way to sleep again. Fearing I might spend hours lying, I climbed on my sister's bed. I had to curl because there are a lot of stuff on her bed. She then asked, "Ba't ka andito?" I couldn't think of the shortest way to explain why so I just replied with a hug. After several minutes, I fell asleep.

My sister is going away for a few days which means that I will be left home alone. A thing like this is not uncommon for me - she has been going in and out of the town and/or country since I moved to her house. I am actually used to being alone. But this time, I don't want her to leave. I don't want to be alone. I am scared. I don't want to spend the week all by myself.

At this moment, I'm alone again. I should be getting ready for a friend's birthday party. I was actually touched when I read another friend's message:

Moi punta kb kna dhin mamaya? Nu oras k punta dun? Cnu ksabay mu?

"Birthday friend" is celebrating his birthday somewhere in Sta. Rosa, Laguna. It's a bit difficult to go somewhere you don't know so I was actually relieved [and happy and touched and cried] when "the other friend" texted. It's hard to say no to someone who's already doing you the favors. But just some minutes ago when he said that he has already boarded the bus and will meet me in Susana Heights, I told him that I had other plans and that I couldn't go.

So I'm still home, alone. Somehow I don't want to see faces. Somehow I don't feel like seeing people. Contrastingly, somehow I want to see certain people. Yes, certain people. That means that I want to see not only one person. I want to see several persons.

Right now, I'm craving for DQ but I don't have the heart to leave the house. Also, I don't want to eat alone. I know I used to say that people who can't move alone are weak but...I don't want something like this to happen:

Someone in DQ: Ba't kaya siya mag-isa? Siguro depressed siya. Kasi matamis kinakain niya e, Blizzard.
Me: Yum, yum, yum. SOB.

Thinking about being alone next week, here are some tips to make me happy:
1. Leave me comments - blog comments, friendster comments, etc.
2. Keep your Multiply updated.
3. I know most of you are using Sun now but if you still have your Globe and are still using it, text me. For people I used to scold for calling and waking me in the middle of the night, you can call me. I won't scold you. Hahaha.
4. Allow me to spend Tuesday night with you. I don't have classes on Wednesday.
5. I know that this is a little impossible but, hug me!
6. Let's chat in YM.
7. Give me a bouquet of Ferrero Rocher. I don't care how many flowers are in the bouquet.
8. Give me brazo de mercedes.
9. Give me a nice dress.
10. Take me out of the town or country.
11. Send me a letter.
12. Give me a puppy.
13. Grant me a million wishes.
14. Take me stargazing.
15. Sing with me. Sing for me.
16. Take me to the beach.
17. Take me to a picnic.
18. Treat me at DQ.
19. Make time fly?
20. Give me a video of what happened in my 16 years.
21. Tell me stories.
22. Take me back to...wait, no going back to the past.
23. Daydream with me.
24. Let's watch movies at your house.
25. Send me a heartfelt email.

Am I asking too much? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that my birthday is coming, hahaha. BTW, I don't care whether you give me a present or not. All you need is the guts to say "Happy birthday, Alyzza! I love you very much." to my face and give me a nice, warm hug. Okay, calls, text messages, and emails are accepted from distant people. ONLY from distant people. In distant, I mean oceans away. JOKE.

Going back...I am scared. Ghosts of yesterday haunt me. So to God, I pray, please ward off these ghosts.

To Be Remembered

It's human to wish to be remembered.

In my 16 years of existence, I tried to be the person who will make you thank God for knowing. As my seventeenth comes, I will continue trying to be the person you will remember. I will do you favors, sometimes big, when I can.

No, I'm not trying to be an angel or a saint. Or your heroine. I'm not going to die for you. I'm not going to do your homework nor your chores. I'm not going to give you money. I'm not going to feed you. I'm not going to suffer for you. I'm trying to be a friend, or perhaps a stranger to some, who has done something.

That thing may be big or small, though for the most part, I have done only little things. Still, I want to be remembered. I feel glad when a friend happens to take my advice and tells me that she was happy of the result. I feel happy when my friends tell me "You're right" after I scold them. Or amid the busy, stressful peak hours when people are hurrying, a stranger tells you how sweet you smile. I want to touch people's hearts, even just for a while.

I guess it's human to wish to be remembered. Who among us wants to be forgotten? Who among us would do such a foolish thing - wish to be erased from someone's memory? We all want to be remembered, right? It's difficult to do things you're not accustomed to do. It's difficult to do things you really do not want to do in the first place - be forgotten. If I could, I would make you remember me for the rest of your life.

Someday

someday - (adv) some unspecified time in the future
-http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=someday

You know what's good about using the word 'someday'? It's an unspecified time in the future. It can be next month, next week, tomorrow, or even later, while you're having dinner.

You know what's not good about it? That it can be 5, 10, or even 50 years from now.

But one thing is for sure, it will come.

Make It Fast, Please

It was so obvious, yet I did not notice.

A piece of art is how you read it, right? As it is made, the author, and only he alone, knows the meaning of his work. He alone can give it meaning. However when this piece of work is distributed, it changes its meaning. Its meaning now depends on who reads it.

So if it was a message intended for me, I am so sorry I did not notice. You must be laughing because I really looked stupid, saying this and that, but never understanding what your song really meant. Or I must have brought you even more pain for acting like I did not know how things were for you. I did not read your song the way you want me to, I guess that's the downside of art.

This was the only thing left I needed to know before I go my way. I was actually thinking that I might need a larger force to extract this piece of information. I was actually scared that I might never retrieve this information. I was surprised when I realized that it takes only two persons to retrieve it. One to imply, and the other to prove it whether true or false.

Have I never retrieved it, or found it false, I would be crushed into bits as fine as the sand you see in the most beautiful beaches. I might spend my forever dreaming of the things that could have been.

Having the knowledge at hand, I could not say that I would not be crushed. I am, in fact, but into coarser grains. Like a broken glass, which can be repaired using an adhesive. Sure it would be fragile at first, but give it time - it will harden soon. I might not spend my forever dreaming of the things that could have been, knowing that there could be none. None at all.

Learning of your story is a relief that the road chosen was, indeed, correct. If only I had known of this earlier. If only I had noticed earlier. If only I had given a deeper view of your work. Learning of your side of the story is, I would say, not easy.

But I know that this will pass. Soon. Make it pass. Fast. Please.

As I Do My Homework II

Have you read "As I Do My Homework I" yet? No? Scroll down for it first.

After a short break, "Sepang Loca" came next. It was already 8:30pm and I was getting worried that I might not catch the last train to Ayala Avenue on my way back. If that happens, I would have to take a bus. Luckily, Brian gave me instructions in case I fail to catch the train. Even more luckily, I got in the train! I arrived in Makati around 11pm and I was surprised to see that the streets were still filled with people and cars. For a moment, I thought it was still 8pm.

Anyway...


People say that each barrio has its own lunatic or madman. Each has unique and peculiar stories. In this particular barrio, what the townspeople had was a madwoman whom they called Sepang Loca.

The story was narrated by an engineer who was tasked to cement the dusty roads of the barrio. It was said that when Sepa’s water has broken, she rushes to a well and gives birth. By that well, she cleanses herself and her newborn baby. The townspeople will then hurry to Sepang Loca, take the baby, and raise it themselves.

One evening, news spread that Sepa had once again given birth. The baby fell into the well while Sepa ran to the field and died. The townspeople thought that it was best to retrieve the baby from the well. While in the process, the wives in the town talked which led to a surprising turn of events.

During the month of May, the town holds rituals in honor of Sta. Clara, the patroness of the childless. It was during this time that the women would dance in the streets and ask the saint for a miracle, to grant them a child. However, no matter how many months of May they dance, not even a single wife bore a child. The only woman in their town who could get pregnant was Sepang Loca.

Hours passed and after finally retrieving the baby, the people discovered that the baby was dead. The mother of the engineer took the baby in her arms and was shocked. On the baby’s chest was a birthmark, a mark that resembles the one on her husband’s chest.

It was later revealed that during the nights when the streets seemed empty, the men in the town, masked and unidentified, rape the poor Sepang Loca.

The thought of the men raping the defenseless Sepa took days before leaving my mind. It was said that it was Sepa’s custom to give birth by the well. This must mean that she had given birth several times. Logically, Sepa must have been raped several times too. The villagers’ sin was unforgivable. Actually, the thought still haunts me once in a while.

The story was narrated by an engineer. In his short monologue in the beginning of the play, he explained what he was tasked to do as an engineer. He pointed to a particular well which he was also asked to cover with asphalt. Here he began to tell that there were rumors about that well. I remember him mentioning that no one was really sure whether the rumors were real or not. Only he knows what really happened during that night.

The revelation of the “village secret” was followed by another monologue from the engineer. I remember him saying that soon the dusty roads and the well would be covered and together with their stories, they would remain buried beneath thick asphalt.

I liked how the author picked the narrator. The engineer, probably, stands for progress. In the play, his mother never ceased saying that she was very proud of her son. She said that her son builds bridges and roads that help people. She said that she was proud of her son no matter what.

It is surprising how progress can erase the past in just one snap. Once the well becomes covered, it can no longer speak of its stories. It can no longer speak of the tales it has witnessed. The brutal act that the village had done will be forever forgotten.

Just like in our very own country, Fidel Ramos was accused of cheating in the presidential elections. But when the country progressed because of the stabilization of the economy, the rumor was never spoken of.

Just like in “The Judgment”, a Thai novel, a man named Ai Fak got himself in trouble when he tried to defend his insane stepmother from naughty kids. In the process, he hit the kids with stones and sent them bleeding. Because of this, Ai Fak was despised and loathed by the whole village. He was the subject of all the rumors that roam around the village. There came a time when electric power transmission reached the little community, resulting to the villagers buying all sorts of appliances—refrigerators, ovens, televisions. This was when the subject of the gossips shifted from Ai Fak to new appliances. Ai Fak’s misdeed was immediately overshadowed by the latest trends.

In just one snap, when bridges are created and roads paved or food preserved in fridges and soap operas watched, what happened before these will be forgotten. A sin, no matter how serious and grave it was, will be forgotten. Who among us will remember the violence committed in the past when we can enjoy the comfort and luxuries of the present?

"Sepang Loca" is a bit disturbing. The "baby" creeps me out. It looked real and slippery and alive. *shudders* And the men from the village are sick, right? Well, I think they are. What was shown in the play was a "gang rape". *shudders* I was so disturbed that the moment I got back home [in Makati], I began to tell my sister about Sepang Loca and the villagers. And she told me a story almost similar to "Sepang Loca" which she said was even "sick-er". I even joked and asked to sleep beside her because the baby haunts me, haha!

But really, I was disturbed.

As I Do My Homework I

"Did you ever have to choose between something you wanted to do and something you had to do?" -Alfredo Salazar

Err...

Weeks ago, I watched "Dead Stars" in UP. Let's thank a friend who helped me kill time (2:30-6:30pm).

After having my ticket validated, I joined the queue that leads into the theater.
Me: Brian!
Brian: *turns around and approaches me*
Me: May kasama ka?
Brian: Wala.
Me: Ako din eh!

Let's thank another friend for watching the play with me. Watching stuff like this alone seems boring, right?

Must I talk about the entire play or just of the story? It's really hard. I'm no play critique, but I can say that the play went well. Anyway, it's just the story that I'm supposed to blog so to save time, here's my reaction paper and some bits I added that my professor will not like to see in a reaction paper.



The play started with Alfredo Salazar recalling what mess he had made of his life. He spoke of an “Esperanza” and a “Julia”. Alfredo Salazar was a bachelor, engaged to a woman named Esperanza. The two had been together for four years; their marriage was the only thing awaited by the society. However, Alfredo’s passion for Esperanza had already faded.

Alfredo, along with Don Julian (his father), decided to meet Judge Del Valle one evening. Consequently, the eve led to Alfredo meeting the judge’s sister-in-law, Julia. Eventually, Alfredo grew feelings for Julia. However, he thought that it was best to marry his fiancée.

Eight years later, Alfredo went on a business trip to the town where Julia lives. He found himself searching for Julia’s house and eventually catching up with each other's lives. When they had parted, he realized that his feelings for Julia had gone.

Basically, “Dead Stars” is a collection of complications faced by man. It is a compilation of “what-ifs” and regrets. There came a point in Alfredo’s life when he had to choose between the expectations of the society and his own desire. Alfredo and Esperanza were the “ideal” couple. Marriage was the only thing they needed. On the other hand, he developed feelings for Julia. She possessed the qualities he lacked—Julia completed Alfredo.

If I were Alfredo, I would be crushed, destroyed, and devastated. For days, I was actually thinking whom to choose. Will I follow my heart and break my fiancée’s or break mine and spend my entire life wondering what could have been? It would be torture thinking of the things that could have been. Will I be happier marrying Julia?

Like what Alfredo did, I would marry my fiancée. I remember Esperanza telling Alfredo that she was no longer young. She was correct. She spent her youth waiting for Alfredo’s proposal. And now, Alfredo is having second thoughts marrying her? Alfredo, I think, did the right thing. Esperanza suffered long enough. Indeed, she had lost her youth waiting for the proposal. Could he bear seeing Esperanza’s heart breaking? Whose youth had been exhausted from waiting for him? Alfredo would be really cruel had he chosen Julia.

Before he left for his business trip, I remember Alfredo telling his wife that he was not unhappy with his marriage. However, he never said that he was happy with it. He might have been happy if he had had a family with Julia, but Julia would never approve of it. She knew what Esperanza was to Alfredo. She, too, would not want to break the heart of Alfredo’s long-time lover. Their relationship would never work out.

During Alfredo’s visit to Julia eight years later, he discovered that Julia never married. At the same time, he also discovered that he no longer has feelings for Julia. His longing to see Julia again was no longer love, but nostalgia.

It was sad and depressing. No one, of the three characters, experienced true happiness from love. It was even more heartbreaking when Alfredo discovered that time had wiped away his feelings for Julia. I liked how Alfredo compared Julia to dead stars, “I had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens.” Dead stars are celestial bodies that are long extinguished whose light can still be seen from the Earth. The light makes them seem like they still exist, similar to Alfredo’s feelings for Julia.

Really, I would be crushed if I were Alfredo and yes, I would marry Esperanza if I were unfortunate enough to be him. Marrying Esperanza will surely cause me emotional torture, thinking about the things that could have been. Marrying her will cause me neither happiness nor unhappiness. But...I know that Julia and I will never work out. Whichever way, it seems like a whole life wasted, right?

And Esperanza. My youth gone because of waiting for Alfredo's proposal? And Julia. Will I allow myself to make Alfredo call off the wedding? Will I make Alfredo grow even more apart from his fiancée?

"Men commit themselves when but half-meaning to do so, sacrificing possible future fullness of ecstasy to the craving for immediate excitement."

It's sad.

I am afraid. Very afraid. What if everything just leads to nostalgia? What if on that day, I will realize that the feeling I have is just nostalgia? Like dead stars, which only seem to be there. Make this pass. Fast.

Dear Girl Friends,

Girl friends. Sometimes they're all you've got.

Enough said.

Wait, some more.

I was reading my blog posts (all of them) some time last week and I took note of the names who appeared the most. And I said, "Wow, these people have been a big part of my life." Their names have appeared since second year high school." After a few moments, I began to think. These people...these people are guys not my girl friends. Why?

It must mean that I have spent a really big part of my time with them, these guys. Like 'after-school tambay' or 'mall trips' just to kill time. But does that mean that I never did this with my girl friends? No, I try to hang out with them once in a while. It's just that... sometimes, they have better things to do than slack all day.

Lately, I felt the need to be with them. Sadly, we could not meet up because of schedule conflicts, heavy rain, viral infections, you name it. So I'm thanking text messaging, making communication available anywhere, anytime.

My phone vibrating made me feel like I'm not alone. It made me happy. Really happy.

With love,
Alyzza♥