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Estrella

I held her tighter this time, asking her to come with me. I was surprised when she didn't move. She just stood still and gave me that longing look with her beautiful, brown eyes. I knew what she meant; she did not even need to speak. I have held her back for a long time now. She was always with me. At the back. Enjoying the show.

I have watched her many times. She always seemed to enjoy the show. She would look up the stage, laugh, look at me, and then smile. Then I would pull her closer and lightly kiss her on the forehead. I always knew I make her happy. She would decline stage roles just so she could spend more time with me. Sometimes she would even cancel her show at the last minute to make other plans with me. I always knew she would choose me over anything else.

But this time, it was different. She stared at me with those eyes longing for a fulfilled dream. She wanted to stay. Neither of us let go of each other. I was asking her to leave, but she was begging me to stay. Neither of us were going to change our minds. I sensed that, so I let her go. I turned back and started to walk away. I did not know why I could not stay, why I could not watch her do something she actually enjoys doing.

I know she is out there tonight, shining brightly as she always does. I am sure that there will be fireworks all over the heavens, but I am surer that she will shine even brighter. Her luminescence will last. I have kept her in the dark for so long. I have kept her at the back when I know she could be at the front.

But what could she be thinking? Was she sad that I was not there during her happy moment? Or was she happy because she realized that she does not need me or anyone to have a happy moment?

Thursday Nights

I have this thing about Thursday nights. It's like some kind of entity sucks the life out of me. I don't have Monday classes so that makes my schooldays Tuesdays until Fridays. But whenever I go home on a Thursday night, I just slump on my bed and wake up the next morning. And then I find out that I haven't touched my books or my notes. It's like my three days of school are equivalent to a week of school! So I spend my last day, Friday, obsessing on how badly I want to go home. Oh, did I mention I have only a load of 16 units? But everyday I'm working from 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM. In a lab. Or in a lecture room. Did I miss telling you my daily rehearsal after class?

I want a break. I'm in luck because this coming Wednesday is a national holiday. Maybe I can do something worthwhile this Thursday.

PS

It's not just me. My roommate is also a victim of unproductive Thursday nights.

Bedtime Stories

I used to listen to my dad tell me stories before I go to sleep. I like to listen to stories before I sleep, but obviously, I can't ask my dad to tell me stories anymore. Now I listen to my own stories, some will make you cry and some will make you smile. I can't remember which ones I made up and which ones were real. Either serves its purpose well after all.

1) I wanted to write something about how the previous semester ended. It took so long for me to find time to write, so long that such a post would no longer be relevant. So I wanted to write about how I spent my two-week vacation, but I'm afraid writing about it is no longer relevant either. Besides, I just spent it watching my favorite tv shows and some movies, eating a lot, and playing Left for Dead 2, Minesweeper, Dragon Nest, Solitaire, blah blah blah. I pretty much did nothing. There is, however, another thing I wanted to write. I have been thinking about it since last June, but I still haven't begun anything. Unlike my semester and my vacation stories which expire at some point if not told immediately, this thing I wanted to write does not expire. And this thing, this story, is not about me. It's about another girl. The thing is, I don't know how to end it. I have thought of an ending, of course. In fact, I have a lot of endings in mind. I just don't know which to use. I am so confused about it as I am so confused about how to sort my own stuff. Maybe that's the reason why I can't finish my story. Maybe I have to write and complete my own story before I write another's.

2) There are always two sides to a story. And who in the world would not wish to hear both sides? Knowing both sides reveals the untold chapters. Well the raw story is usually impossible to extract, but if you get both sides, then you have the story in its rawest possible form. I've been an author and I've been a reader. Funny, really.

3) There's this story I heard once. It brought back the guilt I kept buried for years. That feeling when you could have done something to make someone's life easier, happier, better, even if it costs your own happiness and peace. What's worse, I learned that I could have done a huge favor not only for one person, but for two. Some say they do it for love. I would gladly do it for love too. Love for both of them and love for myself, to save myself from this guilt.

4) Bad romance. What's a juicier story than a bad romance? Such stories are exciting to read, but be careful not to be caught in one.

5) When no one wants to see you, where do you go and what do you do? I'd want to be caught in my glass house by the beach where I can watch the waves rushing to the shore while I think of something to write. Whenever I'm not writing, I'd probably be in the porch sipping tea and reading a book.

6) At some point in my life, I wanted to be be a writer. Actually, a part of me still wants to be one. I love writing as much as I love music. But I realized I could never get that one thing I want from music, so I've given up. Besides, music gives me too much pain. Writing doesn't. And you can still write while you cry, but you can't sing while you cry.

7) Writer is too vague; I wanted to be a journalist. I thought I would be a more useful person if I become one. He agreed on this. Then I thought, "Won't I be just as useful if I practice medicine?" Now I'm confused. But then I won't be able to write what I want. Creative writing, that is.

8) What's a story without adventure and spontaneity? They say you have to put yourself in the feet of your character to experience his ways so you can write effectively. Or is it the other way around? Whichever it is, you would have to feel your character's experiences, right? I usually live in spontaneity and a spontaneous companion would be good to have. But sometimes, all I really need is someone to pull me back before I float away from reality and fly to battling dragons and saving the kingdom.

Minesweeper

Dear Blogspot,

I owe you blog posts. The term is ending which means huge waves of exams are coming. I'm fighting the urge to watch Gossip Girl, Glee, and the like. I'm fighting the urge to stay with you too long to write better stuff because I have to study. I have an exam on ballet tomorrow and I haven't even studied yet. I have a paper due on Friday. And more exams on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Given all those work, I wonder how I can't get my hands off Minesweeper. I was addicted to this years ago. And it's back. The addiction is back and it's bad. Now I'm thinking of just hitting the sack since I'm just wasting my time on Minesweeper. I don't want to stay up late for a game when I should be studying. I don't know if it's really Minesweeper or it's just me unconsciously wanting to escape sleep. Because tomorrow when I wake up, everything will be different. I will be better tomorrow.

Do answers really lie in dreams, dear Blogspot? I have a question I've been asking myself for a long time now: Which act would be less selfish - stay and hate the situation forever or get out of the picture completely? It doesn't really matter now since it's done. I hope I could make the semester pass fast. And the pain too. Make them go away. Fast. Or at least put me in autopilot until everything's over. I'm so tired of feeling and making decisions and facing consequences.

Another Visit to the Farm

We visited the farm again. This time I caught pretty butterflies.

And I saw this weird arthropod.

And this reptile.

That's Dad beside his grapefruit tree.

Mom and Dad watching the pigs which they will be selling soon.

Insect Collection: 29.33% Complete

Heyy, who's turning 19 on Monday? It wouldn't hurt to post my wish list, right?

1. Diplurans
2. Proturans
3. Springtails
4. Bristletails
5. Mayflies
6. Dragonflies, damselflies
7. Stoneflies
8. Cockroaches
9. Termites
10. Praying mantises
11. Earwigs
12. Grasshoppers, locusts, katydids, crickets
13. Leaf insects and stick insects
14. Webspinners
15. Booklice
16. Lice
17. Bugs, cicads, mealy bugs, aphids
18. Thrips
19. Dobsonflies, alderflies
20. Lacewings, antlions
21. Beetles
22. Twisted-wing flies
23. Fleas
24. True flies
25. Caddisflies
26. Moths, butterflies
27. Ants, bees, wasps

In short, various kinds of insects. I'd also appreciate dresses and movie tickets and books and shoes and brazo de mercedes, but I kinda really need those insects.

Periplaneta americana gave my happy hormones back.

We were stuck there, inside the cafeteria, on that rainy Thursday afternoon. We were fighting the urge to go to the mall and have fun because we all have exams on the following today. It was time to come up of a plan. We have decided to go somewhere "away from the harsh realities of life". We didn't hit the nearest mall; we went a little farther, a little away from the harsh realities of life. I do not exactly have an idea why we were feeling so low that day. I supposed we were just low on happy hormones. Maybe it's the season? Maybe it's one of those things, as Miguel calls it, mid-sem crisis.

We ate at our favorite place, Tokyo Tokyo. We were supposed to go home after dinner, but we realized it wasn't even 7PM! We spent some of my extra tokens on videoke instead. Finally it was time for us to go back to the harsh realities of life and study for our exams tomorrow.

The next day was the exact opposite of the day before it. The lab exam in entomology was so stressful yet fun. I couldn't say it was easy because I knew I could have done better if I had studied the other parts as thoroughly as I did on the other parts. What I enjoyed was the dissection. There was a list of body parts, both internal and external, and we have to pin them and show the specimen to our instructor. I looked at the list and realized that more than half of it requires a grasshopper specimen. All I have is a smelly cockroach. I couldn't pass the exam without a grasshopper. So I stood there thinking, "Where to get a grasshopper? Where to get a grasshopper?" Then I remembered I kept my jar of insects inside a cabinet in the laboratory! I rushed to the cabinet and was glad to find my jar still there. And you know what, I have this large grasshopper which accounted for 60% of my dissection grade.

The remaining 40% was from my smelly cockroach. There were silent shrieks from students who were trying to get their specimens from a bottle full of cockroaches. Thank God someone helped me pin my specimen on the dissecting pan. Getting your specimen from the bottle then pinning it is the hardest part of the test. This was the first time I dissected a cockroach independently since we always perform dissections either in pairs or in threes. I will never ever ever forget the foul stench of my cockroach. I managed to pin its cercus, its proventriculus, its Malpighian tubules, and its alary muscles, yay!

My exhausting day did not end there. I had to attend a meeting right after my lab exam. After much noting of minutes and all, I was happily on my way home.