Confessions

I have this...weird talent. I tend to remember things ― stupid, ridiculous, irrational things. I remember them so vividly like 'you wore that once in an MTAP session last year' or 'your scent reminds me of our sophomore days' or 'Mary Angeli Mae was the name you made up when I asked you what the name of your cat was'. It was cool at first. People often get fascinated about it. But sometimes I remember too much of the stupid, ridiculous, irrational things. I remember each little detail. I remember exactly how the conversations went.

I stray from keeping grudges. It makes my life harder; it is difficult to bear. It gives me pain. But feeling bad about something is normal, I just don't keep it too long. I will release it in time. I forget it; you're forgiven. That's how I do things. I have always done that and it works all the time. But tonight as I vividly recall myself saying that I want to forget about it, it seems different. Tonight I realized, I have not forgot about it at all. The memory still lingers in me. It haunts me in my dreams.

I depicted Pride in our speech choir last year. If I have one overused deadly sin, that would be pride. I have lots of it. Actually, I guess I have too much. It's bad, I know, but it means a lot to me. I do my best to stick to my words even if it might cause pain to others. Yes, even if it might cause pain to others. One time I begged someone to celebrate this certain day with me. I was on my knees then. The person refused, a lot of times. When the certain day came, the person changed his mind. But I said, "You can't. I was begging on my knees and you turned me down." I value pride. I believe that like me, you remember the words you speak. You remember to do the words you speak.

It gives me pain remembering you denying what you said and defying what you said.